


Secrets Are Made to be Shared

by Psychopathic_Nerd54



Series: Dem Salty Bois (and friends) One Shots [27]
Category: Dem Salty Bois - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Secrets, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, could also be read as romantic, could be read as platonic, honestly either way works lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23582140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psychopathic_Nerd54/pseuds/Psychopathic_Nerd54
Summary: Part 2 of Scratches.JP confides in Gar about his self-harm.
Relationships: Garuku | Garuku Bluemoon/Jeremiah Woodward
Series: Dem Salty Bois (and friends) One Shots [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/929742
Kudos: 1





	Secrets Are Made to be Shared

It had taken JP a few hours to calm down after Gar found him and even then, he was barely functioning. In the blurry haze of his self-pity and fear that came with another person knowing his secret, he only vaguely recalled Gar hugging him, comforting him, telling him the four words he hated more than anything: "It's gonna be okay." How would Gar know? How would anyone? No one could see the future, so why bother pretending you knew everything would be fine? Especially when it was obvious it wouldn't.

By the time JP came to his senses, he had noticed some sort of bandage wrapped around his arm. He was no longer paying attention to the pain in his arm, it suddenly seemed minuscule compared to the emptiness in his heart that came with the knowledge of how much Gar must be disappointed in him.

"Gar?" JP asked quietly, voice scratchy and cautious. Gar looked down at him, but JP didn't want to look at the expression that must be resonated on the other's face.

"Are you okay?" Gar asked quickly, yet comfortingly quiet, shifting so he could look at the younger's face. JP closed his eyes quickly as he did so, refusing eye contact.

JP shook his head slowly, trying to even out his own breathing, only to fail, releasing yet another sob.

Gar sighed, bringing the younger man back to his chest and gently running hands through his soft hair.

"It's gonna be okay, JPar." Gar whispered softly in his ear. This time, JP heard the words clearly and it just made him mad. He couldn't keep from snapping, even if he tried. Those four words haunted him to his core.

"How do you know, Gar?" JP snapped, pushing away from the mentioned man and standing, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You don't even know what this is, how can you possibly know it will be okay? How could you think I would believe you? Those words are the most infuriating lie I know."

Gar followed JP to his feet, cautiously walked up to him and placing his hands on his shoulders. The look in Gar's eyes were full of longing, sorrow, and regret. JP could pick each emotion out separately. If it was any other situation, the younger would have gotten completely lost in the gaze and deep sea of emotions. He found it interesting how vulnerable the eyes could be. You could be the most expressionless person in the world and yet, some way, somehow, your eyes will show the world your deepest secrets, your greatest fears, your darkest desires. Even the sturdier wall could be broken with enough force. Walls were only made to be broken, especially those blocking the world from light.

But now was not the time to get lost in that thought. A question was still ringing through the air.

Slowly, but desperately, Gar finally spoke, his voice reassuring JP for a second, but only for a second before the moment was gone and JP was back to feeling sorry for himself.

"JP," Gar spoke softly, "I know because I know you. I may not know everything there is to know about how your brain works or the things you've been through, but I know the you that matters. I know the you that's spastic and random and loud. The you that doesn't give up on anything you set your mind to. The you that never fails to put a smile on my face or make me laugh, even on my worst days. The you that's strong, stronger than anyone I've met before. You're strong JP, I can't say that enough. You've made it this far and I know you can get further because I believe in you. Can you open up to me? Tell me what this is? Let me help you get the rest of the way there? Because you deserve to live happily, even if you convince yourself you don't."

JP looked away once more halfway through Gar's speech. He couldn't face the lies Gar was spatting at him. He couldn't try to believe something he knew wasn't and would never be true. Although, there was one part if the whirlpool of lies that JP was admittedly able to pick out as truth. Maybe it was about time he opened up to someone.

Which led to the current scenario. 

JP reluctantly followed Gar into his bedroom, where the older shut the door and locked it. Soon enough, Gar was sitting next to a nervous JP, who was messing with his fingers in his lap, avoiding any and all eye contact. He could feel Gar's piercing gaze on him: supportive yet judgmental (although JP was more than positive the judgement in Gar's gave was something made up in JP's mind to scare him away from opening up, which was totally working.) 

After a few minutes of Gar quietly watching JP as the younger tried to figure out what to say to him, Gar quietly sighed and placed a reassuring hand on JP's leg. "Don't be nervous," Gar spoke gently. "I'm not going to judge you. Just start from the beginning, okay?"

And with that, JP nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep shaky breath. He knew that if he managed to get through this moment without bursting into tears, it would be a miracle. And the hand Gar had placed wasn't helping too much.

"I-I don't really know where it began, in all honesty." JP started softly. And then he felt it break, the poorly structured wall keeping in everything for so long. Before JP knew it, he was talking, unable to stop, almost forgetting Gar was even there. Almost...

"I guess the first time I had done this to myself was back in middle school. The situation at home at the time was probably the root of the problem. It was always the same, and I always found it in myself to blame myself, mainly because the situation was primarily between my mother and I. But anyways, I just remember feeling so down one day after a particularly harsh argument. It had gotten to the point I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without feeling disgust with myself. I wanted nothing more than to break the mirror and ruin the reflection because my own face was making me sick to look at. I just felt like such a huge disappointment and no one could have convinced me I wasn't.

"I remember the day clearly; I don't think I could forget it. I was sitting in my room; a heated argument broke out between my parents downstairs. I wouldn't have thought much about it normally, just put in earplugs and waited for the noise to die down, but then I heard the topic of their disagreement and found myself sitting by my door with my ear pressed against it, only increasing my self-hatred the more I listened in. I mean, who wouldn't when their parents started fighting about them? With some of the things they were saying...

"I'm not too sure when I started scratching, but I recall crying to myself on the floor as I listened to them, wishing I could just disappear, to just drop dead then and there. I guess I ended up settling for punishing myself because the next thing I knew, my nails were scratching against my own flesh, tearing it apart, and I couldn't stop. It's all a blur from there, it must have been at the least an hour before I fell asleep like that. When I woke up, I was still on the floor against the door. The first thing I noticed was the pain; the skin on my arm raw and throbbing... much like it is now. I was mesmerized by it, if I'm being honest. I had done this 'beautiful' thing to myself, without anything to help or aid me. If anyone found out, there was nothing they could take away from me to get me to stop unless they chopped off my fingers. I was enthralled.

"And I knew I could do it again.

"Gar, you wouldn't even be able begin to understand what it's like dealing with this. I can injure myself and no one would know unless they caught me in the act. I'm safe to hate myself in secret and no one questions the marks that appear on my arms. I will admit its gotten worse since the first time I've done it and part of me hates that I let it get that bad, but the larger part is too caught up in how good it all feels to do this to myself.

"Look, it's the most confusing thing when you're so caught up in doing something like this to yourself. It's like there's two sides to your own mind, but the dominating side is always the one that wants to see you waste away. Every time I take my nails to my skin like that, I want someone to catch me and make me stop, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to find out my dark secret. I want to just scream out that I need someone to help me, but giving away this is the last thing I want to do. This is my secret thing, the one thing I can keep to myself that no one else knows, that stays off the internet, that honestly keeps me going because I know when things get bad, I have something to go back to that can't be taken away. Part of me wants to stop, but the larger part doesn't think I ever will and I'm completely okay with that, even though I'm really not.

"It's just--I know this is so pathetic compared to things other people face bu---"

"No." This is where Gar finally cut in, catching JP a bit off guard. He really had nearly forgotten he was there. "Look at me, JP."

The younger lifted his head slightly, not quite meeting Gar's gaze, but also not staring down anymore. He heard Gar shift next to him and the next thing he knew, the older was on the ground in front of him, staring into his eyes. The look Gar expressed broke JP's fragile heart, he looked so sad and worried for him. He hated it. He knew he wasn't worth Gar's worry. He wasn't worth anyone's worry and he felt like he was melting under the gaze of someone who might actually give a shit.

"JP, don't say your problems are pathetic because they're not. You're allowed to have problems, everyone does. And believe me when I say I'll help you get past this, and please don't argue with me on that. I'd hate to just sit back and watch you waste away like you're nothing because trust me, you _aren't_ nothing. You're so important to me and to so many other people. It's not right seeing you so down, without that lively glow you're so famous for."

JP let a small sob escape his lips at the words. "I'm not worth it, Gar." JP mumbled quietly, praying the other couldn't hear him, but hoping he would at the same time. He didn't want to see Gar waste his time on a lost cause such as him. He knew he would only hurt Gar in the end and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

Gar reached a hand up, softly stroking JP's hair, leaving a tingly feeling on the younger's head. JP let his eyes fall closed, partly from fatigue and partly getting lost in Gar's touch. He leaned into the feeling of the other there. He decided Gar must not have heard him and he just relished in the feeling of him while it lasted. It didn't take long for JP the start nodding off.

"Yes, JP, you are." Gar mumbled back, a sad tone in his voice. JP didn't hear the response in his tired state, just as he barely noticed Gar leaning him backwards onto his bed and covering him in his sheets. JP couldn't recall the feeling of the soft lips that landed on his forehead and the quiet "I love you" whispered his way.

Because as soon as JP's head hit that pillow, he was fast asleep, dreaming of an easier time and hoping that in the morning, this would have all been a dream and the precious secret he held so dear was still a secret. However, deep in JP's subconscious, he knew that was wishful thinking, and he was almost, kind of, actually somewhat starting to be okay with that.


End file.
